"Maybe I'm just a dreamer.."

27th February 2012

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Wish you may and wish you might..

And still.. after all these months, she’s still not over it. Helplessly floating with the waves on the shore, not being able to decide if she even has the right to feel what other, normal people feel. She wanted pain. She needed it like a drug, it was addicting. As she was hurting all along, she knew that this was the only way for her to escape. Agony. And she felt it every day. She knew it was falling apart, her world was a huge balloon, that was just about to explode. 

2nd February 2012

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You can quit

Clearly, she lost her way. Things were uncontrollably running a race with her, time was slipping out of her hands. She wasn’t sure of anything. Convinced, that this one certain person will always be there, she got up and got back on the track. But now it’s essentially fading away, with her silhoulette vanishing as the lights go out. Trying hard to fit in, to prove everyone wrong about her.  And she dies every single day. Because she thought that she was understood for once in her life, but it turned out it was a mirage. She’s now alone again. With her thoughts that don’t let her sleep at all. The reason of her misery, the cause of her self-harming lifestyle.. It’s all her. Herself. Because she let herself believe that there IS love.

.. selfish thinking. What is love, anyway? How do you know, when you’re loved or if you love.

There is no such thing as loving someone more than your life. She thought there was. She really did. It belongs to our clueless mind, it’s the creation of our brain. Not our heart, no. Our heart’s just beating from time to time to keep us alive. It doesn’t feel anything, you know. Our brain does. And it lets you know, when it hurts. Lets you know in  the most horrible ways. But you can switch it off, if you want to. Your eyes become empty, the endless questions stop swirling around in your head, that are  making your body feel weak. They stop. They do. And there’s no need to fix it anymore. It stays empty, your mind. And your heart just goes on beating, it doesn’t kill you by stopping, cause it has nothing to do with your feelings. 

So she can easily quit, now..

2012, february

10th January 2012

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It was like kingdom coming..

The razor cut through my skin. And with every move it went deeper in, no stopping.  I wanted to do it over and over again, until i couldn’t feel my leg. It was like waking up from a nightmare, I loved it.. and with every slice i got more and more chilled.

 It’s bleeding through the bandage…is it bad for me to say I’m flying pretty high right now? Yes..I suppose it is.  But If it helps me, it shouldn’t be of anyone else’s concern.

2012, jan 8